A Chosen Life

What if a sense of shame or awareness of even a small bit of responsibility has the ability to reveal power in our own lives and decisions? What if the emotional pain that can come along with recognizing responsibility can be used to inspire and open one’s mind to alternative thoughts, thus freeing one from the bondage of thoughts that have become automatic? This sounds empowering, yet decision exists at the crossroad of knowledge and empowerment. What will one do when knowledge is revealed? Maybe some ignore knowledge because a sense of responsibility that requires a difficult decision or a new result is unfamiliar and/or uncomfortable. What will I do? What will you do? Blame our circumstances? Blame others? Blame luck for not falling upon us? OR, will we claim the opportunity to examine our own decisions that could be modified for a potentially different, more desired outcome? Will we claim our own power of choice? This is the “chosen” life: a life lived by choice. This is a weighty encouragement. We have the weight of responsibility: We have the agility of selectability [coined word]. An approach-avoidance decision!

The plant in this picture makes me recall a relevant similarity to the comments I will make in this post. I found these beautiful plants in the woods near my house. They had sprouted through a bed of dense leaves and were out of view. “What a shame!”, I thought, “these are too beautiful to be unappreciated out in the woods without someone noticing and appreciating them.” I decided to give them great care and transplant them to a spot in my garden where I could provide excellent soil and water them regularly. I wanted them to grow and thrive, but the soil I provided was not what these plants needed to thrive and reveal their full beauty and potential.

Blame gives one’s power to others: Claim takes one’s power back. We might not be able to completely change our circumstance, particularly not in the immediate. If we can find that place where some power exists then we have found a place where we can persist, to seek a path we may walk, and find harmony with our talk. Yet, the discomfort of taking the responsibility of our power leads to making different decisions. Blame becomes a quick and easy hedge that seems protective from this discomfort. Sadly, the hedge is deceptive and ultimately leads to entrapment in a pattern of behavior that becomes automatic.

Knowledge of this truth comes from one’s own experience within the entrapment. In times of repeated hurt, when it seems we have no power to change circumstances, we might hide in the shadow of silence, annoyance, avoidance, and curt responses. These behaviors, meant to keep us from dealing with the circumstances that we cannot change, also trap us into unloving behaviors in relationships that are important. This is a simple, but difficult concept.

We might know, at a cerebral level, where our power is hidden, here inside this fortress of our hedges that were meant to protect, but now traps. Our tools are now rusty and our wills have become cautious within our hedges. Maybe there is a bit of life remaining in the strife within our souls. If we dig through the years of resistance, could we find a bit of residual resilience? Where are those seeds of courage? Why didn’t we water them when they were fresh and capable of bringing life to our relationships? – The life that we could maintain, not the life that others expected of us in these relationships.

In each of our gardens, our seeds need a certain soil and can only bear the fruit that our seeds are designed to produce. From the “other’s” perspective the soil should be better and that fruit should be bigger, or different, or should bring them more sustenance. But, our seeds cannot grow to full potential in the garden of other’s expectations. We must plant our seeds in the soil that allows our seeds to mature into full capability. Our vines might be able to grow enough to shelter others, bring fruit into other’s lives, and shed seeds onto the soil of others; however, the roots must remain in the soil that allows our own vines to thrive. It’s difficult to perceive that others might require the transplanting of our seeds into their gardens. Thus, creating the source of our resistance, and what feels like a fight to remain in the soil that allows our own vine to exist and thrive. Never feeling like words would matter, only using unpleasant reactions to resist the expectations of others. How contained we can feel within our hedges of “protection” that we allow to grow and is now so high that our vines struggle to climb high to reach the others with whom we desire to connect and impact. An entrapping, “protective” hedge of our own choosing because we did not have the courage to deeply root ourselves in the soil best suited for our seeds. Instead, our focus was on that “protective” hedge and nurturing its growth so that we would have to claim responsibility and deal with the discomfort of keeping our gardens thriving while the expectations and pressures of others drop seeds of frustration, resentment with life and past experiences, unrest, anger, and more onto our soil. Our focus on the hedge allowed those unwanted seeds to grow in our garden and now our garden needs weeding.

“We are our choices.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre

Our own seeds are less healthy and bear fewer fruit than they could have if only we had focused on digging our roots deeply into the authentic soil that brought our seeds the nourishment and sustenance the particular cells of our seeds needed. Our soil contained all we needed, but the expectations of others who suggest that we needed their soil led to defensiveness and we yielded to our perceived need to defend our own seeds with a hedge. Additionally, the seeds of unwanted responses grow, choking out our healthy seeds. Can’t we exist without feeling compelled to be something different? Why do we struggle to just be authentically ourselves in ALL settings of our lives? Is the source of our fear that we cannot handle the reactions of others, the disappointment, the anger, even the acceptance of others? It’s beyond time that we acknowledge our own choices and claim our true lives. Something so simple, yet the mind, when considering emotion, makes it hard. The hedge can be pruned, and it is permeable and malleable. We have choice, but it will be a transition of emotion.

“It is we who have the power to change this.” {said with quiet, heavy acknowledgement}

“It is we who have the power to change this.” {said with understanding}

“It is we who have the power to change this.” {said with somewhat weighty acceptance}

“It is we who have the power to change this.” {said with the small seed of courage}

“It is we who have the power to change this.” {said with a sense of responsibility}

“It is we who have the power to change this.” {said with some hope}

“It is we who have the power to change this.” {said with confidence}

“It is we who have the power to change this.” {said with a smile}

“It is we who have the power to change this!”

There is no need to blame others. There is no need for inappropriate shame. There is only the option to claim the responsibility and act upon it. Failing to act upon this knowledge negates any power this knowledge might supply.

“But until a person can say deeply and honestly, “I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday,” that person cannot say, “I choose otherwise.”
― Stephen R. Covey

“Stop” – How does it hit your ear?

Do you dread hearing “stop” or do you invite hearing “stop?”

COMMAND as negative:

Children often hear “stop” as a command to cease their behavior or attitude. In fact, children (& some adults) hear this command so often that they can become frustrated and feel that only “no” or “stop” is an option. Children come into this world with some innate properties but need training. We know this because cultures illustrate the differences in where “stop” falls within a behavioral pattern. For example, some cultures encouraged loud displays of emotion in children, and some are squelched quickly to avoid excessive expressions that are not appreciated by the culture. Nevertheless, children are taught what is acceptable, often using “stop” when a behavior is unacceptable.

Unfortunately, children are not innately equipped with what is “go” regarding behavior. I have seen in practice that some children are overwhelmed with “stop” phrases and get so few “go” responses that the children get frustrated and have little to no idea what behavior is desired (“go”). In time, the child determines, even if at an unconscious level, that there is no behavior that will be acceptable and opposition/defiance/frustration results, sometimes to the level of diagnosis of as a psychopathology.

What if “stop” was followed by a “go?” What if “go” was offered and “stop” was not needed because stopping a behavior was a natural consequence of the “go” instruction?

PROTECTIVE as negative to listener, but positive to speaker: Often adults, like children, hear “stop” as negative, but the “stop” is given with a positive intention. “Stop” might be yelled with a fearful tone of a care-motivated warning. Some behaviors require immediate &/or strong “stop” responses. A child running toward a street; a teen or adult taking a substance that can harm; a voice of cautionary reason in times of strong emotional response, etc. There are simply times when “stop” is protective, even if it feels like a negative command or it intellectually seems like an unnecessary barrier to a desired outcome.

RELEASE as positive, mixed with emotional tugs:

Think of a time when you were told or invited to stop something that you knew should be stopped but you found it difficult to release. Maybe you were given permission to stop something that had an approach-avoidance type conflict associated with it. This means that there was a reason you wanted to stop that behavior, but there was also a reason you wanted to continue that behavior. The choice-conflict within was causing angst, anxiety, or agitation.

An example might be releasing a volunteer position you have taken on but feeling much concern about the future of that position once you are not leading it. Maybe the entire program will cease. Maybe the program that you carefully designed and implemented will change to something very different from what you envisioned. Those who are helped by your service might find it difficult to adjust to the change or they might feel abandoned when you leave the position. Maybe others will be disappointed or be confused by your resignation. On the other hand, you know or recognize that you want &/or need release from the pressure and responsibility of the service and time commitment, potentially to pursue another purpose/goal.

INVITATION to something new:

When has “stop” been music to your ears, brought you hope, and lifted your spirit? It’s easy to think of “stop” as negative, but it can be profoundly positive and encouraging. Even if we cannot see the positive in the immediate, we can have a sense of peace and hope during “stop.” As humans we can even choose and intentionally seek meaningfulness in “stop.” Many people happily look forward to retirement but find themselves feeling empty and without purpose or value after about a year of retirement. There are simply some things we cannot do unless we stop other things. Working many hours per week does limit one’s ability to serve others, work on hobbies, travel and experience adventure, seek new small business opportunities, visit the sick, make meals or small gifts for others, and serve in various ways.

Of course, this does not apply only in retirement. No matter how much one romantically loves another, the fit of the two may not lead to harmony and happiness in a romantic relationship. I would bet that most adults have had at least one hurtful breakup, only to realize much later that the breakup was in the best interest of both involved. Sometimes the breakup immediately feels like a release or hopeful breath of air even though it may hurt. Another example might be leaving a job you enjoy in order to pursue a better job or to live in a better place for an overall better life experience. Maybe it means leaving a high-wage, high-stress job that impedes health in order to take a lower-pay, lower-stress job that improves health and increases happiness. Walking out of the door on your last day at the job feels like a huge release, even though the preceding days, weeks, or months could truly take you through a “valley of decision.” Not only are you feeling release from the pressure of the job, but also from the need to make the decision just now.

So, how does “stop” hit your ear? Recognize it. Does “stop” in your case feel positive or negative? Reason the outcome and the potential opportunities that “stop” brings. Decide to find the “go” associated with “stop.”

I mentioned in the “First Blog” that we have made a decision to leave what is comfortable to follow the uncomfortable into the unknown. When I first wrote that post, we knew only one thing and that was that Darrell was leaving his job. He was employed for 25 years at a well-known, somewhat prestigious facility in Houston. While it seemed like a dream job in the beginning, he began to feel unappreciated, underutilized, and unfulfilled as the bureaucracy of this type of work began to suffocate him and many of his coworkers. The pay was adequate but the hours might be changed on him on short notice; the on-site morale was poor and of no consequence to the top management; and his profound talents went unnoticed and unappreciated. Being a man of high standard and integrity, he excelled in his duties regardless of recognition from the employer and this strength of character is unchanged.

Darrell is a portfolio of talent. Anyone who knows him can testify to his amazing musical skills. He was very talented in sports also, but those opportunities were thwarted by an upbringing that dismissed and devalued such talents. This is not intended to demean that upbringing, but to be honest about his life experience. He had some professional opportunities in music. He was commissioned by a Houston studio to add steel guitar tracks on a country album. He was contacted more than he consented because of his own reasons.

Darrell connected with another talent of fine woodworking. In the late 1990’s we took a trip to the northeast that included visiting the lighthouses of Maine. We fell in love with Maine. A few years later, our dear friends Mike and Dee Williams began spending summers in Maine. We had recently began attending a church with Mike and Dee and they graciously invited us to visit with them in Maine one summer. While Darrell is a bit timid with people he does not know extremely well, I pushed for us to make the visit. We visited with them many more summers because they are the kind of friends who simply take a person for who they are and value individual differences.

One summer, Mike and Dee took us to The Center

for Furniture Craftsmanship and Darrell was hooked! Of all things! How is it that we discovered Maine one fall; changed churches and met Mike and Dee who moved to the town where this school was located; and they decided to take us for a visit to the school one summer?

It seems like puzzle pieces coming together, but maybe it is just happenstance.

It’s my turn to support his dream and I am delighted to do so. In reality, his dreams are my dreams. We each have personal goals and dreams but our ultimate, joint dream is that we see each other fulfill our purpose and live out our God-given talents. Yes, we could work and make more money while we age and lose some of our abilities but comforted by our financial security and routine. We just believe it is now or never, the discomfort of not pursuing the call is greater than the discomfort of continuing as we are. The tipping point has arrived and we are sliding downward or flying upward, we cannot tell. One thing is for sure, we are both excited…or, is this really “excitement?” Excitement and anxiety/stress are basically the same but one’s state of mind makes the difference. We are trying to embrace the stress of the decision and the potential consequences thereof as good for us in the long-run. On occasion the uncertainties and “what if’s” of the change make the decision much more stressful than exciting.

We often conflate self-esteem and self-efficacy. While the two can be related, they are certainly not the same. I propose that self-efficacy should not be the mere vocal indication that one is capable but should include the action/behavior of one’s capability. Self-esteem is our sense of value and worth; self-efficacy is our capability to be effective in their own lives. Self-efficacy can be present when self-esteem is not; self-esteem can (maybe often is) present when self-efficacy is not present. Ideally, one would possess both supported by life decisions that reveal both.

What does it mean to be a victim? One is a victim when a situation is put upon the individual without causal or a contributing factor from the victim. This means that there is nothing the victim could do in the future or could have done leading up to or during the time of victimization to change the reality of that victimization. For example, when a child is molested by a chronological adult, the child has no power to change the situation. The child is overcome by the power of the adult.

It seems that the word victim has been generalized beyond what the term deems appropriate. Victim indicates one has no power. What if we understood and were taught that we could explore the situations of life and find opportunities where we could do something different the next time we found ourselves in a situation that could lead to feeling victimized? That “something different” is what gives up some power: it empowers us to facilitate or possibly avoid the situation of victimization or the feeling of being a victim. This concept is not easily embraced when we are the ones who are the victim or the ones who are feeling victimized. On the other hand, are there not many other times in our lives when we worked beyond negative feelings (lack of motivation, feeling inferior, sadness, etc.) and found ourselves in a place that surprised us. We are more resilient that we think. These types of successes produce emotional self-efficacy. I propose that disallowing one who feels victimized to find anything that he/she could possibly do differently if found in a potentially victimizing situation in the future is to bind the victim further. This leads to a sort of hopelessness by proxy: we might put hopelessness upon the victim.

Let me provide a less emotional example. I grew up in a different religious setting. Although it is a Christian religion, there were dress codes and other requirements that made our religious group very different from mainstream Christianity. There was an intentional “separation from the world” that led to a separation from other Christian church groups as well. We were recognized enough that our public community recognized our differences and often pointed them out.

One of the rules was that women could not wear makeup. In college, a choir teacher made sure to tell the females that ALL must wear bright red lipstick for our concert. I just brushed the information off and assumed it was just a statement that other females would follow but she would certainly not require me to push beyond my religious restrictions. As the teacher continued that day and every class period onward, I started to feel pointed out. In fact, the other students must have recognized it as well since a few turned to me and said, “you don’t have to do that.” I was faced with a decision. I felt like a victim. I felt powerless, that I could do nothing about the rule or the teacher’s forceful approach.  I felt anxious, uncertain, concerned about my grade, worried that the teacher would not allow me to sing in the concert, uncomfortable about attending the practices knowing the red lipstick requirement would be pounded out again, etc. My emotions were a mess.

What was my decision? Even though my emotions were strong and began to control my behavior, I still had the choice which required thought about how I would handle this event. I can handle my emotions, either through compliance with my emotions OR by using my logical mind to make my decision. I used my logical mind and decided that I would show up for the concert without any lipstick and my teacher could handle that however she decided. How could I stand up to a bullying teacher?  I could do that because I had past experiences when I was able to successfully withstand smaller events. I had developed self-efficacy, meaning that I knew I can stand up to religious challenge, maybe even religious persecution. I had faced many tough experiences related to religious issues before that day in my choir class.

My mother and father illustrated how to stand up for myself. They taught me, NOT by rescuing me from all challenges, but by allowing me to experience the challenge and tutoring/walking me through the challenge and advising my response to the challenge. As a side note, imaging how difficult it must have been for my parents to feel the pain of my discomfort, without jumping in and saving me from the challenging situation. Albeit, I learned that I could allow others to disagree, question, or challenge my religion and still offer them a sense of respect, knowing that they did not and could not understand the standards by which I lived. We were different and that was fine!

Life has brought some more significant challenges. There were times I certainly felt like a victim. Some of those life-events were such that I was probably truly a victim in that there was very little, maybe nothing at the time, that I could have done to prevent the events. After a while I realized that if the only thing I could control in the moment was my response then that was power enough to change the situation. The development of self-efficacy throughout my life helped me see that I might be victimized but I will NOT live as a victim. I will not ascribe to myself or wear that label. Ultimately, I do have a choice and I can be effective. No matter how small that effectiveness might seem initially, the power begins to grow and produce more power, like a spark leads to a flame. I esteem myself because I know I can be effective, innovative, adaptable, etc. My parents’ decision to allow me to face small challenges built self-efficacy (self-effectiveness) and in many ways these experiences built a solid foundation for self-esteem.

Find a place within your challenge, no matter how small, where you do have some power and use it to begin building self-efficacy. Allow children you influence to feel challenges of deadlines, failures, third-place, or whatever can lead to strong emotion. No need to talk them out of the emotion because they are human and life is full of emotions. Allow them to learn to walk through the emotional maze of life to return to positive emotions. Facilitate the experience of being fully human, to feel the array of emotions while knowing we are not confined to a life of reflexive, non-logic responses to our emotions.

It’s funny how many times I have a quick thought that inspires or challenges me when looking at something, particularly something in nature. We moved into this house about 6 months ago, in the heat of summer. There was one plant in the flower bed that was unfamiliar to me and I wondered why a generic looking plant was planted in such a prominent spot of the landscaping. I though it was dying in the frosts this winter and I again found myself curious as to why someone would plant a simple green leafed plant. Well, we’re heading into spring now and I see why this plant is located in such a nice, sunny spot of the garden.

I was so surprised when about 2 weeks after the last frost a beautiful white bloom appeared on this seemingly simple and ordinary plant. Something struck me though, why did this flower face downward? I thought it would surely turn upward but it has not. That’s when my mind started wandering from plants to people.

I was reminded of how many people bloom with ability but keep those talents and abilities downward a bit, without making those talents visible for all to enjoy. This might be you. Maybe someone has told you, either with word or deed, that your abilities are too limited, not good enough, or are just not going to be appreciated by anyone. Maybe you decided this on your own through the lens of a personality that tends to interpret life through a somewhat negative lens. It could be that you are simply afraid to show what you have to offer. Sometimes we fail to do things like following a dream or showing a talent because we do not trust ourselves to adequately handle the potential failure to be noticed or the potential rejection if we are noticed. Maybe we aren’t sure how to deal with someone liking and appreciating what we reveal.

No matter the “maybe” of the situation it is time to STAND UP STRAIGHT and give it a try. Let’s start with something simple and we’ll work our way to revealing what we think we might have to share with the world. I challenge you to take a week and present yourself to your world with confidence and see what happens. You don’t have to feel confident, you just have to behave with confidence in your presentation. Here’s how it goes:

1. Walk with your head up, shoulders back, and a confident stride.
2. Speak aloud and with strength in your voice. Avoid the breathy, high pitched, low volume speech.
3. Look people straight in the eyes (not for too long because you don’t want to creep people out or make them suspicious – lol).
4. Answer people in full sentences, whether in text, email, or voice.
5. Find someone to whom you can say, “no, but I appreciate you thinking of me.” DO NOT give an excuse as to why you are saying “no” to the request, invitation, etc.
6. Make sure you lighten the muscles in your face and smile frequently.
7. Make note of how  you feel at the end of each day and notice how others respond to this approach. Some might be a little surprised if this is very unusual for you.

Watch What Happens (jazz)

Same ‘Ol Me (country)[

Acoustic – Caught him playing just for fun: https://youtu.be/KnrvkiT8-lM